As the song goes with Kirk Franklin and Jill Scott singing "I've been up -I've been down, I've been looking for some joy to come around. I've been praying for some sunshine-been lookin for a love that I can call mine. See I've cried-for so long and I'm ready for these tears to be gone- So I am calling on you-right now because You said Lord that I can make any how."
It has been one of the hardest seasons in my life lately. Oh I am sure I forget the pain of other seasons in my life and how hard it was to got through them. But I feel I have been in darkness. The darkness has stressed me out. Not knowing how to act or how to respond. Keeping a lot of things in side. Not wanting to sin in my emotion. I know it says "Do not sin in your anger" But for the most part I haven't been angry. Maybe mad but frustrated mostly. These frustrations have turned into stress. And for some reason my body took that stress and has made me ill. I thought I was sick for so long. Even pregnant at one point. But coming to the realization and Revelation from My God I was sick with throwing up and stomach aches because I was so stressed.
It got worse and worse. Again not knowing how to deal. I tried talking with people who are wise in the Lord but felt there were no answers each time. Revelation yes but not full on answers I needed. There would be peace for a while but for the most part I couldn't find answers just turmoil so I assumed it was a season for me and God to be alone. To grow, to persevere, to be more like Christ.
How do you be a person like Joel who is like a duck and lets things roll of their back. I am like a sponge - I soak it in and don't know when to squeeze it out. And you can't act like the rest of the world with quarreling and strife. For the Lord called all of us who are born again from life to death from the old person to a new creation. You learn not to have a tantrum with people but then again when there are no rules that apply for situations how are you supposed to respond. For the most part all I could do at the time was keep my mouth shut and Remember what God taught me. That it is about forgiving one another just as in Christ God forgave us and it is about Love and Mercy. If we have not Love we are a resounding Gong, a clanging symbol.
So what happened-I lost it. I feel like a person that needs to go to a place where other people have lost it. And I feel so dumb. Can I tell you that. I feel dumb dumb dumb. I really don't want attention. I felt horrible when Joel had to tell Don and Sondra that I need to get away asap and WHY. (the biggest part is WHY) They have so much on their plate. They don't need this. No one does. But I guess it needed to be done. And to tell people at church or with the food ministry. I am glad Joel is taking care of all of it because I can't handle it and don't want the attention of explaining myself. That I feel is the worst part of all. The why. So I am just not talking about it any more (the why) and taking it to God.
So what happened. Joel did the most loving thing a husband could do: Send me away from things so I could rest and have peace and work things out for myself. It was so the most unselfish thing in the world. I want to cry just telling you. Because of all of this and Joel seeing I needed to get away for a while Joel and I will be separated for 3 weeks over 2 awesome holidays.
But you know what that blows my mind being here at home. I have peace beyond anything I thought I would have. I have peace being away from Joel, I have peace that we will be separate over the holidays, I have peace that I am supposed to be here for this long. I can't even believe it. It is the most wonderful gift God has given me. Not that I am away but that I have peace with being away from Joel that surpasses all understanding which guards my heart and my mind. I am thinking more clearly my heart is at rest. It is God saying he approves and wants me here to be with him. I know I will be spending time with my family these two holidays but I know it will be more of spending those two holidays with God and being with him and Seeking his face. It is this deep communion I haven't had for such a long time that I needed and need so much. Wow it was like ordained by God and I thought it was a fly by thing. I praise My Father who has granted me this gift of peace.
Side Note (You know so many times people want "Blessings" and all they talk about are material things. Prosperity. It makes me sad. Because as Kirk Franklin puts it so well "The first things to prosper should be inside of me" The first blessings people should think about is heaven and then love joy peace patients kindness goodness faithfulness gentleness and self-control. Those are the blessings that make it seem when life throws at you yucky stuff that you can still be MORE THAN a CONQUORER
So any way. I have peace. With much sadness. But I would rather have sadness mixed with the peace of God than ungodly sadness and hurt.
So that is where I am at. Just wanted to let everyone know. I don't really want to talk about anything. So here is all I would like to share.
I love ya'll very much and thank God that He is a great and Loving God who cares for all his Children and he knows them by name.
Love,
Dess
PS Please pray for Joel at this time. He needs your prayers while I am away.
1 comment:
Dess,
This is a little difficult for me because I am so pressed for time right now. I don't like feeling rushed in responding to anything because as you know, I like to use my words very cautiously.
This year or this season, is soon coming to an end and we have endured so much as God elect. It is so import that we are careful not to give up on God and/or ourselves.
Yes blessing rest is required for a season as well, and do not consider yourself a failure or lacking in any way because of the need for rest. In our case it is difficult to rest when we need it, so we force the Lord allow things to happen that push us into that place.
In regard to your being a sponge. YES! You have finally vocalized what I have held within for lengths of time. I tell others to let things roll off their backs, but as God spokesman I have the wonderful gift to absorb things.
Dess we carry the wonderful gift of God that allows us to see and feel in the spirit realm. Name one of God's prophets that did not get burned out, that did not go through bouts of depression, that did not contemplate giving up, that did not weep and wail before God as to why they had to endure such harsh, mean, unjust treatment from the very people the Lord sent them to love through warning and proclamation.
You are not allowed to beat yourself up for needing a season of rest. Just rest. When Elijah hid in the cave due to his fear of queen Jezebel, did not Father God allow for His ministering Angeles to care for him and bid him REST.
Sweetheart you are an awesome woman of God, and loved and adored by many, but their are few that can relate to what you have endured. Rest while it is time, for rest also prepares you for that which is to come and you my love will need it.
Hardships were intended to roll off Joel's back for otherwise they would hinder him and interfere with his ability to produce. You on the other hand must feel and experience what Father God allows you to in order to better relate to His love, anger, frustration, endurance, compassion, mercy, and grace for His people.
I love you dear one, you are my BEST FRIEND and closest SISTER.
Rest in the bosom of Father God!
Rest in the Lord.
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