Okay so here it is.
I Dess Annette Butler have a problem in my head and heart with my weight. I usually get the "Oh no not you Dess" Or "Dessy you look fine" Yeah yeah blah blah is all I hear. NO I am getting this out there. I feel the devil really has a foothold on me because I keep my disease in the closet. No I am really sick of this since I was 12 I have been OBSESSED about my weight. But no more. The Lord has promised to release me and I feel the only way I can do that at this point is to announce it to the world.
I HAVE A VERY UNHEALTHY WEIGHT PROBLEM.
So this is where it started when I was in 2 grade through 6 grade I had a best friend who was tiny I mean tiny tiny tiny. And me being competitive I thought I needed to be her size. For goodness sakes I was 8 to 12. And looking back in all honest it was like a Lab Dog comparing herself to a greyhound. No matter how much weight the Lab loses it will never be able to fit into the outfit of a greyhound (not bus the dog).
I remember being in 6th grade in the bath tub looking at myself and crying and telling myself over and over again I am Fat, I am so Fat. I hate myself I am so fat. (I just saw a pick of me from when I was 12 I was no were near the weight I thought I was)
Then I got to the summer before my Senior year of high school, for you Canadians that is Grade 12. So the summer before Senior year I got my wisdom teeth out. I couldn't eat very well. When I did get well enough to eat I only had one bagel a day and Power aid. When I went in to get my physical the doctor said "Oh you are a little heavy for your height you could afford to lose some pounds." I thought in my head "I am barely eating anything now, what does he want me to do eat nothing."
Volleyball came and I had to choose between volleyball or not eating. I loved volleyball more so I choose to eat. Then first year of college I puked twice on purpose to try bulimia but I told a friend because I was scared and didn't do that again.
Every day it follows me. I mean come on, you have to eat to live. It is not like I can just walk away and never look at another piece of food again.
I do really hate my body. My whole life I have always wanted to be 145 lbs and a size small. I guess you could say I wish I were something instead of what God made me.
So what now. Well I have given it to God. "YOU DID WHAT" That is right for so long I fought it thinking if I give it to God He will make me fat. Yikes that scared me. Lame thought but true.
Finally I have given it over to God. I know He is going to deliver me or He is actually delivering me layer by layer piece by piece.
This is what God has shown me so far that has really helped me:
1) We went to a dog beach one day and I saw all these different kinds of dogs. Tall, small, wide, slim, different shapes, sizes and color. And God really brought to my attention that if a Great Dane wanted to be the same weight as a Chiwawah (Spelling?) it would be impossible. That God made us all different. He made some people short and some tall, He made some people wide and some people lanky, God made some to be size 27 and others to be size zero. That we need to appreciate the body type that we are.
2) Did you know that when God made our body he made us naked. That was a gross thought to me at First but it is true. One day I was standing before God naked. I mean super naked and he was showing me that he curved my butt (All these years I hated my butt because it was so big) But he made it the size he wanted to. He showed me all the curves he put on me and all the time he put into me. Then he said "Your body is beautiful just the way I made you" Wow. If we could just get a hold of that. Instead of wanting to be super models if we could love our bodies the way God made us how free would we truly be.
3) The way I judge myself I judge strangers. I would look at peoples legs and arms and other parts and if it wasn't up to the standers of Vogue I didn't like the way their body looked either. But now that God is showing me that he made every ones body different I look at others different. I see them now and go "Wow God made their legs like that and He thinks it is beautiful"
4) The enemy has glasses he wants you to look through. There was this one day I was struggling with looking at my body in the mirror. I mean just hating what I saw (This was a month or 2 ago. So I said Lord you show me what you see you show me the way you see my body and how you see it. Man it was as if Glasses came off my eyes. I saw my legs for the first time the way God did. It was amazing. Not that I was like Hey BABY. Instead I was at peace with what God created.
SO this is where I am at now. I still am struggling wanting to be free. That is why I told you. The more sin is a secret the harder it is to be free from it.
That is my story. That is my struggle. God is working on me. Praise God!!!!
I love you all. SO hopefully this story will free you. Maybe there are skeletons in your closet the devil has a foot hold on. Let it out and Let God do what He does best.
"He set the captives FREE!!!"
I LOVE YA'LL,
Dess
